Trading Places with the Enemy
by ShinichiKudoOwnsMySoul
Summary: Shizuo never expected to wake up one morning like this...! Why the heck did he now have black hair, red eyes and talk like Izaya Orihara? Izaya and Shizuo are so dead when they find out that somehow they have switched bodies overnight. Can Shizuo learn to get along with Izaya? Will insanely OOC stuff happen? Probably! Being rewritten.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:This is a redone version of my previous fanfic, Enemy, where Shizu-chan and Izaya switch bodies. As you've noticed, I've been busy editing my stories, first Game of the future, then The Horror, the Horror. Well, today it's the Iza and Shizu body switch's turn to receive some editing. As some of it is radically out of character. I do so love a good body switch. **

**For some reason, I just adore TFs and body switches. I've adored body switches since I was a kid. Does anyone remember the name of that book where the man and his dog go to an island paradise populated only by birds and they start turning into birds? Am I the only one who wanted them to turn into birds the entire way? :/ I really adored Animorphs, too. **

**However, I suck at writing TF fanfics, I'm just now starting to become confident in my ability to draw them. So I'm sticking to body swap fics. **

**Chapter 1 Why the hell do I look like the flea? Since when was I Orihara Izaya? **

* * *

My name's Shizuo Heiwajima.

If you know me, you probably know me from all the stupid stories that people say about me; that people say I'm a terrible, horrifying, no good, very bad person. Mention my name to anyone in the street and they will know who I am.

The only one who's not afraid of me is that flea, Izaya Orihara. And as everyone in Ikebukuro knows, we hate each other. We fight every time we see each other and at the same time, when the flea's not in Ikebukuro, I feel a little annoyed. There have actually been times where people have come up to me and assumed that we were lovers, at which point I kicked their asses.

As far as I'm concerned, that damned flea sucks. I hate him, I cannot stand looking at his face.

So you may ask. What do you think will happen when Shizuo Heiwajima wakes up looking like Izaya Orihara and vice versa?

Chaos, the world ends.

Nonsense, the world goes on. It's just that my life in that sudden moment went upside down and it did not need to be that way at all. Even thinking about it now pisses me off.

But me and Izaya understand each other better now.

Still doesn't mean I wish that wouldn't have happened to me.

How the hell did that happen, you ask? Isn't that a good question.

The last thing I remember beforehand is that both of us were fighting. Like usual.

We faced each other like usual. Nothing strange there.

Izaya got bored and went home, and so did I.

_As soon as I went home, I felt awfully tired, so I got myself something to eat, and watched a TV show before I got into my pajamas and fell asleep, I was so exhausted. The last thing I remember is waving goodbye to Tom-san and going to sleep. _

_By the time I woke up, though, I wouldn't be myself again._

_Sometimes, these jobs of mine take hours, so I'm not surprised when it takes a while to complete. That is why nothing seemed off about me waking up in the morning...until I was really awake, that is. _

_Then I would be where I wasn't supposed to be. _

_That night, I had a very odd dream._

_I dreamed that Izaya was chasing me, but instead of me throwing things at him, **he** was throwing things at me and screaming my name as I was **laughing**. It was really, really odd and annoying. _

_I remember thinking one thing: thank god I don't have the same poor fashion sense as the flea._

* * *

I was starting to wake up and be free of this nightmare, thank god.

The scenes of me laughing were too nightmarish for me to bear.

As the dream faded away, I was slowly starting to wake up, back to reality for another work day with Tom-san, Vorona and maybe even meet Akane. And beat the shit out of the stupid flea.

As I started to wake up, the first thing I registered was that I didn't hear my alarm clock ringing, which was fucking odd.

I mean, my brother gives me enough money to replace the many alarm clocks I break, so when I didn't hear it ring, that pissed me off. Now you're probably thinking, I should have figured out something was wrong. But I'm not a genius like the damned flea.

I yawned and stretched, making myself more comfortable on my bed; then my hand brushed up against something awfully _soft_. Whatever it was, I liked the feeling of it, so I curled up against it and continued sleeping, content. That is, until an asshole disturbed Shizuo Heiwajima's sleep. The voice of the asshole was someone I didn't know.

_"Wake up, you jerk!"_

It was a female voice, but oh well, _anyone_ who called me a jerk had better be prepared to get their ass kicked.

"Fuck off," I shot back, rolling over again. I was not in the mood. I was perfectly comfortable where I was, asleep on the fluffiest thing imaginable. I didn't remember my blankets being so comfortable, but whatever it was, I felt myself drifting off again.

"_You'd better wake up! I need my paycheck_! _You'd better wake up this instant, you bastard!"_

The fuck? Paycheck?

"Wake the fuck up!"

At that instant, there was a sudden smack. Had I been hit with something?

Well, of course my eyes flew open. Startled and still bleary-eyed, I sat up and rubbed my head.

As my eyes adjusted to the bright light, I blinked again as I took in a person I'd never seen before.

A woman with long, dark brown (maybe black?) hair in an odd-looking outfit was sitting by my bed, glaring at me. I didn't know who she was. Was she another debt collector? Someone who wanted me dead? I had plenty of those, perhaps she was just another person I'd pissed off and forgotten about.

Before I could say anything, she spoke first.

"You can save the plethora of excuses you probably have for why you haven't woken up," She snapped, "_Orihara." _

I tensed. Did she just call me _Orihara_? As in my worst enemy, the flea, _that_ Orihara Izaya? What the fuck did the flea have to do with this?

I stared at her blankly because I, Heiwajima Shizuo, was utterly confused. '_Why the fuck had she called me Orihara?' _

_"_Orihara, don't play games with me." She hissed.

I looked around. I _didn't_ see Izaya anywhere. 'That's strange.'

"Orihara, I'm talking to _you_. Did you hit your head and lose your memory?" She sneered.

This lady was going to be rubbish in a few seconds, if she pissed me off any more than she already had.

"What the fuck _are_ you talking about? I'm _not_ the fucking flea!"

I paused for a few seconds, then raised a brow.

Was that_ my_ voice?

Why did it sound like I had gotten a cold of some sort? Since when was my voice so nasally?

It sounded utterly obnoxious. Much like this annoying lady here.

The woman snorted. "Ha, you're my egotistical boss, _Izaya Orihara_. You think you're better than everyone else!"

I glared at her. "I'm _not_ the goddamn flea! Whoever you are, piss off!"

The fuck, this must be a dream, I can't _just_ sound like Izaya.

"All right, if this is your idea of a joke, I'm leaving," She snarled, "I don't care!"

With that, she slammed the door shut with a loud bang.

Geez, what a rude woman! What the fuck had I done wrong?

Groaning in annoyance, I yawned again and flopped back down on my bed, but I was too awake now to stay asleep.

As I sat up some more and looked up at the ceiling, I blinked a few times. Why did the ceiling appear to be so far away from me now?

Had I shrunk into a mouse while asleep or something?

"What the hell did I put in my milk last night?" I grumbled, running a hand through my hair for a few moments. My hair felt smoother than usual. Maybe it wasn't a bedhead for once.

As I glanced down casually, I stared at the black t-shirt I was wearing. I'd never seen this before.

Come to think of it, I didn't recognize these covers, either.

As I tried to see, my bangs obscured my vision.

"Fuck off. Even my own hair's annoying me today." I growled.

In annoyance, I pushed them back with my fingers.

"Why the fuck did she call me Orihara?" I muttered to myself.

No answers came, of course.

I whipped back my bed covers and looked around. I didn't recognize this room. It was not my bedroom at all.

My bedroom did not look this fancy.

"What kind of joke is this?" I muttered.

My voice still sounded fucking annoying.

I cleared my throat. _Dammit, I do not need to sound like that._

And also, it stunk for some reason.

It stunk of Izaya.

As I looked around, a flash of something...black caught my eye.

Aha, the flea was here! I saw his jacket. It was unmistakable.

I reached my arm out to catch the flea in his tracks.

"Caught you, Izaya!" I cried.

Izaya was nowhere in sight.

Furrowing my brow in honest confusion, I looked down at myself and my eyes widened.

A very familiar fur coat was draped around me. Why the fuck did _I_ have the flea's coat on?

The coat wasn't too small for me, either, instead it fit me.

_Why_ was I wearing it?

It was definitely Izaya's.

I studied it, in confusion, utterly puzzled. I then realized that the fur on the sides was probably the fluffy thing I'd felt.

I'd thought _Izaya's_ jacket was comfortable? A vein throbbed on my head.

"Why would the damned flea give me his clothes?" I muttered.

It had the same fluffy fur on the sleeves and the neck.

Where was that stupid flea, anyway?

This all seemed like some trick of his.

As I did that, something inside me snapped. With both hands, I attempted to lift up the bed, thinking I could hit myself on the head with it. The bed moved for a few moments, however I soon found that I couldn't even lift the bed. Instead, I got tired and my arms were aching.

"What the fuck?" Was all I could say.

I tried again. It just...didn't work.

For some reason, I no longer had the strength to lift up things.

Angrily, I attempted to lift up a shelf. No use.

"What the fuck is going on!?" I snarled, very, very annoyed at this point.

Izaya was going to pay. Damned flea.

I decided to inspect my hands, to see what the fuck was wrong with my body. I noticed that my body felt...lighter, if you could say that? Like, not as sturdy as before. Had I gone on a diet?

As I lifted my hands up in front of my face, I noticed several oddities.

First of all, I didn't see the same calluses on my hands.

Second, my hands were thinner than I remembered and my skin was paler. When was my skin so pale? Was I a vampire now?

As my eyes scanned over my hands, I stopped as I noticed something glinting on my left hand. I tried to pull it off. I realized what it was, it was a silver ring.

There was a silver ring on my left hand. More specifically, on my left index finger. I frowned, staring at it.

When had I decided to wear rings?

My right hand also had a silver ring on the same spot.

I swore I'd seen these rings before.

Wait, didn't the flea wear these?

A sudden panic ran through me. What the _fuck_ was going on?

As I walked around, I felt very off-balance.

I was indeed, shorter than I had been before. Shorter only by a foot.

But still, it was significant enough that I noticed it and cringed.

My feet were just as pale and unrecognizable, too. Where were all the injuries I'd gotten?

"What kind of an absurd, paradoxical situation is this?" I said all at once, frowning.

Wait a second...that voice.

I knew that voice very well.

That was not my voice.

That was...that was...

My voice sounded like...the flea's.

But that couldn't be! No fucking way! This had to be a bad dream!

I casually put my hand inside Izaya's jacket, and I felt something in it. I slid it out, it was a...switchblade? Sure enough, the familiar metal glinted in the light coming in from the window. The flea would _never_ let me get my hands on his weapon.

Why did I have it?

The panic in my heart quickly turned to fear and outright horror.

This was _not_ right.

My head spun with questions.

Why had that woman been so hostile to me?

Why had she called me Orihara?

Why was I shorter?

Why was my skin paler?

Why was I wearing Izaya's jacket to begin with?

I spun around, looking for Izaya, but I didn't see him anywhere.

"Come out, you bastard." I hissed, clapping a hand over my mouth.

There it was again!

My hands trailed across my hair for a few moments.

Why did my hair feel so different? It felt smoother and messier, not to mention it was spikier.

Another list of questions descended upon me. For some reason, my hair had grown while I was asleep.

I pushed my black locks away from my face and-

Wait a fucking second...black? Are you fucking serious?

_When was my hair ever **black?** _

That was impossible!

Sure, my hair was brown at the roots, and dyed blond, but never black.

Unless...unless!

I felt the urge to vomit rise up in me as I grabbed at the bangs framing my face so I could see them. Just to make sure I _wasn't_ being delusional.

_My hair was **black.**_ Definitely, unmistakably black.

I stopped at that moment, then immediately charged into a different room. First, it was a kitchen, then a closet, and finally the fucking bathroom.

I ran into the bathroom. I had to see the mirror, I had to see my fucking reflection.

I let out a horrified gasp.

I did not see a blond-haired, brown-eyed guy staring back; in other words, me, Shizuo.

Instead, I saw a face I hated all too much.

Izaya Orihara stared back at me. He had the same black hair, same crimson eyes.

And that stench. That same annoying stench...was coming from me?

I didn't remember "oh, let's turn into the flea" on today's list!

I spun around. No Izaya.

I turned back around. Izaya was still there, staring at me.

My mouth fell open as I attempted to speak, but found I was too flabbergasted to make the proper vowels necessary.

"_No fucking way..."_

As I mouthed those words, the flea imitated me.

I stared, until I did the only thing I could do. I punched the mirror with all my might, but instead of breaking it, my hand hurt...badly. And it started to bleed.

"Shit!" I cried out, "Fuck, that hurts!"

I fell backwards in shock, probably not used to being so fucking short.

"_WHY THE FUCK DO I LOOK LIKE THE FLEA_?" I cried. "Shit, I even _sound_ like the flea!"

How did I turn into Izaya?

This is the worst day of my life.

I started hyperventilating then.

I wanted my body back already, dammit!

"I don't want to be Izaya!" I yelped.

It was imperative that I call anyone, Tom, Shinra, to explain the situation, although I realized Tom would not believe Orihara Izaya. I was pretty sure I was in the flea's apartment.

How the hell would I be able to explain Heiwajima Shizuo's hair turning black, his eyes turning red and looking like Izaya?

No one would believe that.

Cursing loudly, I dug in Izaya's pocket for a cell phone, dragged it out and then dialed my home number.

I heard my own voice (in other words, Izaya) answering.

"Hello? Who's calling?"

"Flea, get the hell out of my body?"

"Shizu-chan?" He muttered.

"Look in your fucking mirror!" I cried.

I heard the flea scream.

"My, my, Shizu-chan, it looks like we've switched bodies."

"I don't want to look like you! Give me my body back!" I snapped. "What did you do?"

"Nothing, I woke up like this." He snapped.

"Shut up!" I growled.

"I see Shizu-chan, no Iza-chan sounds adorably angry."

My fists tightened.

"You're gonna have to act like me. And by the way, Kida-kun should be stopping in."

Then he hung up.

Great, Izaya had a guest and I had to act like the shitty flea.

I punched the wall.

I hated having to shower in the stupid flea's body.

I hated this so much.

As I sat there, I looked at Izaya's computer and tried my best to not freak out. I wanted to punch everything with a reflection.

The doorbell rang.

I already wanted this day to be over with.

"Come in." I growled.

"Open the damned door." Definitely a young voice.

I'd heard that voice before.

"Come in yourself." I grumbled.

The door immediately slammed open as a blond kid came in.

I knew this kid but I didn't remember his name.

"Could you not slam the door?" I snapped.

"Izaya!" The kid snarled.

"Shut up," I growled.

"No sarcastic greeting?" The kid sneered before throwing himself into a chair.

"Could you be respectful? I have a headache."

"I don't give a fuck!" He cried back.

"Shut up!" I growled, hitting something. Then I immediately held my hand, wincing. "Does it look like I give a flying feather what you think?"

"Izaya, are you all right?" The kid asked.

"Say that name, kid, and I'll punch you through the wall."

"Izaya...? What's wrong with you?" He asked. "You're not even calling me by my name."

"Okay, blondie." I said sarcastically. "Whatever it is you want, I don't care."

"You know my name, right?"

I stared at him blankly.

"You have amnesia, don't you? It's my lucky day, Izaya has amnesia!"

"I'm not the flea!" I snapped.

"You...you..."

"Got any cigarettes?" I added, as a prerogative.

The kid's mouth flopped open.

"You...you're not Izaya..." He was suddenly shaking. "You're..."

"I'm _who?_" I grumbled, folding my arms and glaring, attempting to pick up the chair but failing.

"You're Shizuo Heiwajima...but why do you look like Izaya? You're not gonna kill me, right?"

"Relax, kid. I can't do that if I wanted to. Izaya's body is weak as shit. What makes you think I can pick you up and throw you across the room?" I grumbled.

He looked relieved. "Thank god, you're not Izaya. You seem friendlier, I guess."

"And what's your name, kid?" I said.

"I'm Kida Masaomi."

"Ki-what?"

"Kida Masaomi."

"Quit it with the gestures, kid! You high?" I snapped.

"All right, Shizuo-san! Is Izaya in your body?"

I nodded.

"All right, that means I can leave!"

"Hang on, kid, I don't know how to act like Izaya!"

"Oh," He said, looking shocked.


	2. Chapter 2 Acting like the flea

**A/N: I have quite a lot of good story ideas flowing in me this week! Yay! So now it's time for the next chapter of this story. The only trouble is I have Simon in there as some odd kind of figure who knows about the body switching in both DRRR body switch stories, so I may change up the way they react to each other. **

**So yah, will Tom believe Shizuo when he claims to not be Izaya, but Shizuo? The fact that he instantly believed him in the last part was so unrealistic I just wanted to scream.  
**

**Chapter 2 Acting like the Flea (and Acting like the Protozoan) Shizuo and Izaya both want to kill each other **

**Shizuo's POV **

* * *

People say I have anger problems. But I don't think that's entirely true.

I think it's more like...I don't know how to process my angry feelings, so I use violence as a means to an end. As a way to let these feelings out in a way only I know works.

Of course, some people draw pictures or write to let these feelings out. Every single damned person on this Earth has violent thoughts or the urge to hurt others once in a while. I guess I'm just the special, violent one who has become exactly what he hates: a violent monster who hurts people who've done loathsome things.

I'm not a fucking hero.

I'm aware of that.

I'm aware of that every time some innocent person gets in the way of my rampages and winds up hospitalized. I've never killed anyone yet. But how long will it take before that happens?

_Unlike_ Izaya, I have empathy and I'm not a sociopath who enjoys toying with people.

Which is exactly why...right now, I'm fucking pissed.

So pissed I could hit something.

So pissed off I could kill something or someone.

'Kill. Destroy. Kill. Kill him. Kill that flea bastard. Pound his face into the ground. Beat him to death. Crush him with a bulldozer. Set him on fire. No, that's not good enough, I'll strangle him. I'll kill him! Izaya is going to die.'

That's right, Izaya is going to die for doing this to me.

The anger flows through my body like blood, coalescing my anger, my irritation, my fear and my anxiety into one solid form of rage, until I literally cannot hold it back any longer, my fists tightening so hard that my hands are turning white from it.

And then I strike, smashing the flea to pieces with one huge fist-

Ah, shit.

You see, today is _not_ an ordinary day.

Ordinarily, I, Shizuo fucking Heiwajima, would be able to smash something.

That's why I targeted a particularly ugly-looking vase for my pent-up anger. It's not something that can really hurt anyone and it looks like it's plastic, anyway, so...here goes nothing. One, two, three...I aim and fire, shooting my fist at the ugly vase.

Normally, it would explode into a thousand pieces and fly everywhere.

Instead, my fist collides with its surface, and then...it cracks slightly, but only slightly. Instead, my arm aches terribly and...ah, fuck. It's not plastic, it's glass.

* * *

"Why did you just do that, Shizuo-san? You could die! It's not your regular body!" A new voice says, picking the vase back up gingerly and looking at me with wide golden eyes.

Ah, that's the kid who Izaya uses...Kida something. I'm not good with names.

Yeah, as of right now, I look like the fucking flea, and the flea looks like me. So yeah, I don't have my normal strength.

"I think it cut me," I mutter nonchalantly, as my hand starts to bleed.

Oh, fuck.

This actually hurts. I'm not used to even being hurt like this.

Damn it...damn it!

"Whoa, Shizuo-san, you can't just let that bleed! We need to remove that glass! Hang on, I'll go get a pair of tweezers!" He rushes out into the other room while I just lie back, watching the blood dripping out of the flea's arm in distaste.

If this were my normal body, this would be nothing.

But as it is right now, I'm fucking pissed, I want to kill something and I can't.

_Goddammit, Izaya, why do I have to be in your stupid body? Clean up your own shit without dragging me into it.  
_

This stinks so much.

A few seconds later, the kid comes back, holding a pair of tweezers.

"Hold still, Iz-I mean, Shizuo-san. I've done this before. I got a glass bottle smashed on me once. I'm in a gang." He urged.

Slowly, I lifted my hand towards him.

"Aren't you afraid of me, kid?" I ask.

"Not really. I mean, you're not really Izaya. This might hurt slightly."

"FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"

"I told you," Kida says, holding the glass in his hands, which is dripping with blood, and now he's bandaging it up. "Don't do that again. I know you're violent, but you could actually die if you do this to yourself."

"You think I don't know that?" I snarked as he finished and stepped away from me, still shaking.

"Relax! I swear you'll go back to normal! I've never heard of body swit-" But before he could continue talking, the door swung open and the same nasty woman from before stepped in, glaring at me.

* * *

"I see you have a guest, Orihara. What was with you telling me to fuck off today? And claiming you're not Izaya? That's bullshit if I've ever heard it-did you knock the vase over that Seiji got me?"

She's just babbling on and on about stuff I could give less of a shit about.

"For the last time, I am _not_ Izaya Orihara." I snap.

"Ha, if you're not Izaya, then who are you?" She sneers. It's obvious she hates Izaya, but who wouldn't?

"I'm Shizuo fucking Heiwajima! So stop calling me by the damned flea's name!" I snap, glaring at her with a look that is presumably foreign to Izaya's normally smirking visage.

"...Is this some sort of joke?" She asks in annoyance. "Can't even bother to refer to me by my name, Orihara? Am I some mere dog to you?"

Oh boy, this is getting frustrating.

"He's not Izaya, didn't you hear him the first time?" Kida said. "He really _is_ Shizuo, he got pissed off and tried to throw things around and hurt himself! Does Izaya ever do_ that?_"

The woman looked blankly at the wreckage of my personal temper tantrum, noticing the slightly upturned bookshelf before she looked back at me.

"...Orihara's either lost it or else you're not him. You haven't even insulted me in the past five minutes. Orihara is full of insults and he normally doesn't curse. So I suppose I can believe it." Namie said, twirling her hair in frustration. "But one test first: what's my name?"

I stared at her.

"All right, then. Who do I love more than anyone?"

"...I don't know? What the fuck do I look like, a psychic?" I snapped.

"Fine, I believe you, Shizuo. I hate Izaya as much as you do, but don't consider us allies. I hold no attachment to Izaya." She said, "I only live for Seiji."

"That was weird," Kida, apparently, muttered as she went to go to the bathroom.

* * *

At that instant, I'd gotten up to go find something to eat from the fridge.

It was full of nothing but ootoro and nothing even remotely sweet. My nose crinkled in distaste. Didn't the flea have a fucking palate? How can you live on fatty tuna?

I grabbed a bottle of tea and poured myself some, figuring I would need plenty of it to deal with this. First, however...was getting rid of this stupid jacket. I did not want to wear it. It stunk too much.

I threw it aside before preparing to raise the tea to my lips to drink.

"Is she in love with her brother? Seiji is the name of a kid in my class...no way..." The kid, Kida muttered.

I instantly spat half the tea out in the sink, not just because it tasted like shit, but because of his words.

"What the fuck?" I muttered, "You've gotta be shitting me. That's...fifty thousand shades of fucked up. No one should want to do that to their sibling. That really pisses me off..."

My fists tightened around the glass cup.

"Shizuo-san, don't cut your hand again!" Kida cried, coming over to me, "And I don't think we should say that around her. Let's just go-go, out to eat or something! And how come you're not wearing that coat? Won't it look odd if Izaya's not wearing it?"

"I'll just tell them I gained a sense of fashion," I said in annoyance, "Let's go get some real fucking food."

The second the door closed behind us, he looked panicked.

"Shizuo-san, don't you know how Izaya acts?"

"What? Aren't I doing fine enough?" I snapped.

"Well, you're...uh...wearing sunglasses!"

"So?"

"Izaya doesn't do that! And you've gotta be more "arrogant" and more of an asshole! Act more smug! Trust me, I know how Izaya acts! I work for the guy!"

"Okay, then. So no..._no throwing things_?" I said shakily.

"No throwing things. No cursing. And above all else, no getting _angry_. Izaya doesn't get angry, he gets _even_ with people." Masaomi said, "That's what makes him so feared. And right now, you are Izaya to the rest of the world."

This was gonna be majorly depressing.

So much for Tom believing me.

Vorona won't even believe me, she'll smack me into the wall first chance she gets.

'I could go to Shinra, but he might laugh or try to dissect me and use some crazy drugs!' I thought to myself as we continued to walk down into the lobby of the flea's apartment building.

"Good morning, Orihara-san!" A woman called.

I just waved sarcastically in her direction.

She sighed and mumbled an insult under her breath before walking away.

"That's it!" Kida cried.

"You can stop being my coach, Kida, it's getting annoying." I growled. "I wish I had a cigar-"

"No smoking, either!"

_"I know_," I snapped.

Dammit, I was so pissed.

Now we were outside, among the crowd of people.

* * *

Instantly, I drew attention from people. I could tell, only it was less of the "holy hell it's Heiwajima, he's gonna kill us" kind.

"Hey, look out. Orihara's out looking for prey."

"If it isn't the serpent of Shinjuku."

I just ignored them and walked on past, hands in my pockets.

"Not bad so far," Kida urged, "The thing is, you just want to stay out of the way of people like Erika and Walker-"

"Karisawa and Yumasaki?" I muttered. "Why're they an issue-"

"KYAAAAAA, IT'S IZAKIDA IN ACTION!"

"**That's** why," Kida stated, "She's one of those yaoi fangirls. So she thinks we're an item."

"That's fucking stupid," I said.

The brunette came charging up to us.

"Where's ShizuShizu? Did you dump him for Kida? You must have a real Shota fetish!" She gushed.

'What language is she even speaking? It's definitely not Japanese,' I thought in annoyance.

"Shizuo is elsewhere, please don't say his name. He disgusts me, remember? Your imagination is fascinating, but I have never had those urges for Shizu-chan nor will I ever." I said, struggling to spit that foul nickname of Izaya's out of my mouth.

This all felt so wrong.

"Someone's in denial! Oh, and hi, Kida!"

"Erika, Izaya's a little sick right now, he needs some space," Kida said, thankfully attempting to guide me out of this situation.

I had a rampaging headache.

"Hey, Erika, quit harassing Izaya and Masaomi!" Kadota cried.

"Oh thank goodness, here comes Kadota!" Kida whispered.

"Hey, Izaya. What's up? Causing trouble again?"

I looked from Masaomi to Kadota.

"Always!" I said.

"What happened to your hand?"

"I uh, accidentally cracked a vase on my hand when it fell. The human body is funny, isn't it?" I said, laughing slightly.

"Is that so? You're acting weird, Izaya. No Dotachin?"

"Izaya is sick, like I said! So we're going to go get him something to eat and some medication and then we're gonna have him rest! So, it was nice seeing you!"

"Well...uh, get better, Izaya?" Kadota remarked sarcastically.

It kinda stung, feeling such hatred flung at me.

But I knew it wasn't at me, but Izaya.

Still, is this what Izaya deals with every day?

I mean, I know he's a terrible person and such, but-

"Where are we going to eat at?"

"Russia Sushi, obviously," He said, "It'll look weird for Izaya to eat anything but ootoro, right?"

I lowered my head, "You are being unnecessarily annoying."

"Who are you imitating?"

"My friend Vorona. She always does that when people annoy her." I muttered.

"She your girlfriend?"

"W-What? No! We're only friends." I said. To be honest, I'd never thought about having a relationship with a person, besides that girl I had a crush on when I was a little kid.

"Oh, I see, you're the shy type, hm? The great Kida Masaomi knows a thing or two about getting women, you see!" He said energetically.

Oh, god.

I'm stuck with some crazy flirt, just like Shinra.

Before we knew it, we were there.

* * *

"Izaya." Simon said sharply, staring at me, "You here to cause trouble?"

"Nah, Izaya's just sick, and we're gonna treat him to some sushi!" Kida said.

"Hi, Simon." I said, in as Izaya-like a voice I could muster.

Dammit, I was so going to strangle the flea. But if I tried to do it now, I'd be strangling myself.

I have to wait until my face doesn't look like the fucking flea's until doing it.

Dammit, who knows what that shitty flea is doing in my body?

"You here for sushi?"

"Yes, Simon, some ootoro. I'm just a little under the weather."

"Two ootoro dishes?" He asked.

"Yes, for me and the bastard Izaya!"

"Kida, kids like you shouldn't curse." Simon scolded.

"Sorry, sorry, Simon!"

Simon's always been awfully sharp, so maybe that's why his gaze was resting on me for a bit.

Was Simon a telepath?

Could he read my thoughts?

"Well, have a seat, then, you two." He said.

"Thanks." I said lightly, then realized my faux pas a second too late.

Simon looked at me in shock.

"You must be _very_ sick, Izaya. The day Izaya is polite is a very unlikely day." Simon said, before casting a sharp stare at me again before he walked off.

"Dude, what the heck! Now he totally suspects you!" Kida whined.

"Are you always so dramatic, Kida?" I said.

"How rude! I'm just a man in love!"

"You remind me of Shinra and that's annoying."

I tapped my fingers on the table in annoyance, oblivious to how everyone was staring at us.

"They're staring," Kida teased, "They knowwwww."

"Shut up." I growled.

"Hey, Shizuo-san, I'm kidding. I'm not like Izaya, I'm not a deliberate bastard." He leaned back in his chair before suddenly, Izaya's cell phone suddenly rang.

I immediately answered it.

* * *

_"Shizu-chan, I'm stuck chasing some crazy person. Put me back in my body, please."_

"Not happening right now. Sorry. I've got a meal waiting for me." I said snidely.

_"I hope you haven't messed up my body with that ridiculous clumsiness and monstrous nature of yours_," He said, sounding exasperated.

"The only people who know are Kida and some lady who works with you. And I think Simon might suspect something." I said quietly.

"_What? Simon! Shit, Shizu-chan, you'd better be a good actor, if you slip up, I'm not covering for your protozoan hide_."

I sighed and closed the phone just as Simon approached with our food.

"Don't talk on your phone, Izaya, is rude."

"Sorry, Simon. Just had a client."

"All right then, Izaya." He said before handing us our food.

"Simon is scary sometimes," Kida said with a shudder.

* * *

_Izaya's POV (finally) _

Curse Shizu-chan for putting me in this ugly body.

On the one hand, I am more athletic, so I thank him.

But chasing down these idiots and beating them up gets old fast. It's something only an idiot would find fun.

"Shizuo-senpai, are you feeling all right? You do not appear to be your usual volatile, violent self." Vorona remarked.

Ah, an assassin?

Not my type of woman.

"I'm just fine, Vorona. Just pissed off, because the flea is back in town.'

"Shizuo, don't go chasing Izaya and getting in any fights."

Like I was going to beat up my own body.

As fun as it would be to make Shizu-chan bleed, that is my body and incapacitating it now would mean that I wouldn't be able to have any fun at all with him later.

And besides, my body needs to be in good condition.

So no, I can't beat the crap out of Shizu-chan.

That thought saddens me.

But the protozoan must be messing up.

He's not that smart.

_'I just hope he doesn't find Celty's head...if he does, it's all over for me._' I thought bitterly.


End file.
